My sweet Abbie
tells me if I’m going to blog I MUST be more consistent. I’ve thought about that comment and here’s
the conclusion I’ve come to: I’m just
not very consistent about many things.
It’s a character flaw. Sadly, not
my only flaw. Gasp! What?
There’s more you ask? I’m just
going to lay it all out on the line. I’m
terrible at being consistent, I can’t seem to get the hang of moderation, and I
don’t know how to sit still, rest or be quiet.
Wow, sounds like I’m 13 years old instead of. Never mind.
I expect one day when my kids are grown they will be telling their
therapist, “You know, one day I’d leave my clothes all over the floor and she
would just step right over them and never say a word. The next day she would bolt into my room, her
head spinning around, smoke coming from her ears and shouting ‘ how many times
have I told you to pick up after yourself?’ We just never knew. There was no consistency.” And we aren’t even going to get started
talking about moderation! But here is
the one that’s been on my mind and heart all week – be still. Oh, I hate that. I try to ignore that still, small voice that
says, “Pam, come sit. Be still. And know that I am God.” Ohhhhh, that is so hard! Not the “know that I am God” part but the “be
still” part. I’m not sure why I find
that so difficult, maybe I’m the one who needs a therapist! This week, over and over I kept feeling that
tug –be still- be still- be still. So
finally, I did. I got quiet and I got
still. You know there is such peace in
those moments (why the heck don’t I do that more often???). As I sat in my favorite chair (old person
alert, that’s what they do) and just listened I could feel myself being filled
and renewed.
I think probably the only time I have been
still for any length of time was when Mike was going through his cancer. I found that my new normal then was “be still
and wait”. Wait on doctors, wait on test
results, wait on treatment, wait on answers, wait, wait, wait. And while I waited, I was still. I was held captive at doctor’s offices, hospitals,
and sometimes even my own house. It took
a while for me to settle in to it, but that was my normal for that season in
life. You want to know what was great
about that? When I was still (and most
of the time empty) that was when my dependency on God was the greatest. That was when we would meet. God and me.
In the stillness. And there in
the stillness he filled me up and renewed my strength, day after day. I shared this week with a friend who’s
daughter is battling cancer, that those times reminded me of when
the manna came down from heaven for the Israelites. God sent just enough to
sustain them for the day-just what they needed. They couldn't store it up
or save it, they got just enough to get through each day. What I
find when I live like that is that it brings me to a wonderful place of
dependency on the one who can really carry all my burdens, sorrows, hurts and
pains, and share in my joys and blessings. I find that I'm where I need
to be - dependent on God and not on my own self (I tend to like to fix
everything myself!). So here’s the
thing, now there is no cancer (THANK YOU JESUS!!) or no crisis holding me
captive. This season, right now, I have
to make myself be still. I have to make
the appointment to meet Him, in the quietness, in the stillness. I use to think a true test of one’s character
was how we acted or reacted during those times of crisis, but now I’m realizing
for me, maybe an even better judge of my character is how I handle myself during
those “easy” times. I think the truth
is – I need to quit trying to store up my manna. (Ouch, the truth hurts!) I think a renewed commitment to being still
and being quiet (at least during my time with Him) is in order. I guess that would also help with my “lack of
consistency” problem too. And the whole
problem with not understanding moderation, well let me just deal with my flaws
one flaw at a time. Maybe I will begin
working on moderation next week – along with procrastination. Manna, just enough for today.
